I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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