I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Never joke about your clitoris.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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