I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
i just had sex bonerless
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
