I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
come pick your gf up from my house. she's sitting in the fridge and hissing at the cat to let her eat the potatoes. btw i dont have a cat
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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