my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
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