I love black thongs
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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