At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
You were more fun when you didn't have morals.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
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