Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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