i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Randomize
