We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
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