I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
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