Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
