I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
