Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
