he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
