I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
where am i from again
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
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she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
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