I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
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