i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
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