Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
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