The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
