My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
