what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
