stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend