what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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