Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(540): View more from Virginia

is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?

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(540): is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO? http://tfl.nu/qgse

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

woah 15?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know! what is this dateline?

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(978): dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation. (1-978): woah 15? (978): i know! what is this dateline? http://tfl.nu/8i0q

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(906): View more from Michigan

I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again

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(906): I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again http://tfl.nu/daze

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(514): View more from Quebec

Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.

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(514): Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"? (1-514): Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan. http://tfl.nu/v19o

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(510): View more from California

I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.

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(510): I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself. http://tfl.nu/0jlx

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(484): come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you http://tfl.nu/95xm

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(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

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(818): She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas" http://tfl.nu/kk50

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(802): You want anything? (610): Gatorade and you naked. http://tfl.nu/khdc

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(314): The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder. http://tfl.nu/bkbj

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(586): View more from Michigan

He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.

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(586): He played pinball with my ovaries. He won. http://tfl.nu/otpy

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(248): View more from Michigan

I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.

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(248): I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home. http://tfl.nu/2kup

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(714): View more from California

You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!

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(714): You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue! http://tfl.nu/dw09

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(954): View more from Florida

aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection

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(954): aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection http://tfl.nu/vqm1

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(+61): View more from Australia

After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"

(1+61): View more from

I don't know if I want context or not...

(+61): View more from Australia

Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.

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(+61): After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort" (1+61): I don't know if I want context or not... (+61): Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5. http://tfl.nu/jpk3

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(954): View more from Florida

I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.

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(954): I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck. http://tfl.nu/1wnj

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