put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
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