Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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