i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
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