She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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