Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
