woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize