I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
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