No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Randomize
