I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Don't be upset because I bitch slapped you with intelligence
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
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