i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
