Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
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