Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
