Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
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I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
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It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
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