Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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