I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
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