listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
