We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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