hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
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