apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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