If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
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look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
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This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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