I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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