if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
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