I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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