I wish I could teleport
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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