Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We have started to decorate penises.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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