I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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