Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
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