My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
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something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
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