Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
