she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
