my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize