When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
